I have my Math final in fifteen minutes, and I've not slept.
Why, you ask?
Because I was looking for a file on my computer at two in the morning, and I came across a bunch of IM conversations with Aeryn.( ShotgunSnt: ask Bryan sometime how many girls I've dated lasted as long as you haveCollapse )
And it all came flooding back. Staying up days on end just to get to talk to him online at night, and the jolt of my heart skipping a beat when he would sign online.
And I cried.
I cried like I haven't for a good, long time. Five hours worth of crying, as a matter of fact, at which point, I was still so upset that I couldn't sleep and decided to get up.
In a month and a half, it will have been a year and a half since the split.
So here it is, Aeryn - the big secret that I've been hiding in friends-only posts: I still love you.
How does it make you feel to know that the mere thought of you makes me cry? To know that I still love you now, after all the lies, all the bitterness, all the anger - just as much as I ever have. To know that, despite everything, I would probably still die for you, if need be.
Unfortunately, my love for you still doesn't change anything. Do you remember that promise that you made to me? Or was it forgotten as soon as it had been typed? All I wanted was your love and support - I've never asked you for more. But you can't be trusted. It's taken me nearly three years to finally figure that out, but I think I've got it.
Anyhoo, my Live-Journaly friends, it's been fun. I'm sick of all the fucking drama, so I'm abandoning this journal. Some of you may be invited to the new one, and others will not. If you don't want to keep reading, consider that to be your "Get Out of Jail Free" card, and don't add me. But keep in mind that if you don't get the invite, you are not invited
and it will do you no good to add me. I do, however, make mistakes, so if you feel you've been neglected but would like to be included, let me know.
Ironic that I started this journal as an outlet for my feelings for Aeryn, only to have the last post be pretty much right back where I started.
And so, dear reader, I bid you a fond (and in some cases, not-so-fond) adieu.
The past has been erased, and I'm off to consume myself in flames...